"Dear Lucky Agent" Contest: Urban Fantasy & Paranormal Romance

The Guide to Literary Agents Editor's Blog is holding its third "Dear Lucky Agent" content for urban fantasy and paranormal romance.  First place gets a 20 page critique and a one year subscription to Writer's Market.  The link to the contest for more information is: www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog

Bringing the Funny

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

--Bill Cosby

My motto when it comes to movies is that I either want to laugh until I cry or be amazed by a special effects department.  I have no need for tear jerkers - if I want that, there are plenty of cable news networks which can oblige me.  To this day, I have not seen The English Patient, Brian's Song or Love Story (also, I refuse to watch animal movies - they always involve Kleenex - fool me once Old Yeller, shame on you, fool me twice Where the Red Fern Grows . . .)  My tastes are similar when I read.  I would love to sound intellectual and rattle off several literary books that are my favorites.  However, I fear the lightening bolt from above that would strike me dead.  


I love fantasy and humor (The Great Brain series and Superfudge are among my all time favorites).  I used to read voraciously, then . . . I went to law school.  For years and years, the only reading material I consumed involved cases and controversies.  High on conflict, low on wit and imagination (with some exceptions - I do have a file of my favorite opinions if anyone is looking for a good giggle).  Then a good friend (I am talking about you, Joe Musso) changed things.


It was a chilly November 2001 afternoon.  I needed to schedule a deposition for sometime within the next two weeks, but opposing counsel was dodging me in terms of committing to a date.  Finally, he broke down and admitted that the date I wanted to use would not do.  He and his wife had already bought tickets to Harry Potter and the Sorcer's Stone.  I revealed a deep dark secret - I had never read the Harry Potter books.  After a few minutes of stunned silence, he insisted I had to read the books, and do so immediately.  I protested.  They were children's books.  I was an adult.  I was a professional.  I did not read fairy tales (with the exception of a few interesting law review articles).


So, at his urging, I asked my brother-in-law's bitchy ass Swiss girlfriend (a blog post for another occasion) if I could borrow her copy of the first Harry Potter book.  She obliged by loaning me her UK copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (again, another blog post for my initial reaction being that it must have been the Dollar Store version since I initially was unaware of the difference in the UK and USA titles).  Crack.  It was verbal crack, I tell you.


I ran to Barnes and Noble and bought the first four HP books.  I read the first three (Prisoner of Azkaban remains my favorite) in a weekend.  Then I re-read them.  Then I read them again.  I saved the fourth book until I knew the fifth would be released.  I became an addict.  I needed to feed my addiction.  I started consuming all fantasy that I could.  I noted that a lot came up lacking.  Why?


Humor.  I loved the humor of the Harry Potter series.  I noticed the same in my television viewing.  I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer (no heckling, please - watch it - it is very well written) and the West Wing (Aaron Sorkin, please return to the small screen - you are missed).  I needed humor in my entertainment.  If the author/artist didn't bring the funny, they lost me immediately.


So I find myself at a loss.  I need to bring the funny.  Without it, I can't bear to write or read what I write.  However, I tend to be on the dry side.  I spend all day talking about the right way to interpret federal regulations and statutes (let me tell you, you haven't had a good time until you try to wrangle with the language of the Family and Medical Leave Act).  By the time I find enough levity in my mood to write, it is bed time.  There are a few things about which I am serious:  bed time, cheese, and very large televisions.  My positions on all three are inflexible (all three are unlimited goods).  So I need to find a way to find the humor in what I want to write.  

 

The Best Laid Plans

Robert Burns wrote the "best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."  I am finding this to be true with respect to my writing.  Specifically, I am referring to the futile efforts to adhere to my outline.

My outline.  My dear outline, painstakingly crafted over several weekends. I think its best use at this point may be toilet paper.  I read books upon books all advising that when writing a story with mystery elements, an outline is essential.  I had a long outline, a short outline, a fluid outline, and an outline of the outline.  Worthless, all of them.

When I sit at my keyboard, eager to write the scene I carefully outlined, I find myself trying to force things that don't feel natural.  The scene felt natural when I outlined it.  Now that I am writing, the story I outlined won't work. The scenes, plot and dialogue all seem stilted and awkward.  My fingers fly typing strange remarks and actions which I had not anticipated.  I'm getting pretty scared.

An aside - I don't hear my characters talking to me.  Conference after conference I have heard authors say that their characters talk to them and whisper (or shout), "no, that is not what I would do."  Not so much as a peep from any of my characters.  Their voices are not what is derailing my outline.

The problem with my outline is that I feel that story has been written.  Now, my short attention span and flying thoughts are taking the story to places I hadn't anticipated.  I am terrified.  What if, by abandoning my outline, I write myself into a corner.

I am a planner.  I love plans, lists and organization (pipe down anyone who has seen my house).  Writing by the seat of my pants is terrifying.  Horrifying.  Mortifying.  Yet, I think I have to fly blind for a little while.  Hopefully, the time spent in the outline will not go to waste.  At least I have a lot of extra scratch paper on my desk!

Technology, Thou Art a Witch

I admit it.  The internet is much smarter than me. 

I cannot say how honored I was to be asked by Lee Lofland to write a column for his blog, The Graveyard Shift.  If you haven't been to his site, it is fantastic (www.leelofland.com).  My column went up today (http://www.leelofland.com/wordpress/?p=6109). 

I thought it would be fun to put a widget on this blog to have a link to his site as well as to Romance Magicians (http://romancemagicians.blogspot.com/) another wonderful blog which is put out by the Southern Magic chapter of the RWA.  I am now experiencing the adage that the road to Hell is paved with the best of intentions.  Trying to get the darn widget to work is something that Dante couldn't have envisioned.  If you see me later sporting horns, a swishy tail and a pitchfork (but the link works), you likely know what happened . . .

Weekend or Weak-end?

Hello Friday, my good friend.  You have come to test me once again. 

You offer me the promise of two days where I can write.  I know that I should begin tonight.

However, chores and off-put work also need to be done.  And, I can easily be distracted with the promise of a little fun.

Will I find the work ethic to keep my end in a chair? Or for another weekend, will my word count be bare?

(I apologize to all of the poets in the world for this entry). 

Trials and Tribulations

It's that time again.  I have trial.  Why is it that every time I get seriously deep into my writing, a trial pops up demanding that I keep unconscionable hours at the office?  Are the writing muses testing my patience by throwing these obsticles in my way?  Are the legal gods telling me to hang up my pen and paper because my only talent is being a royal pain in the patoot?

I need at least forty-eight hours in a day to get done everything on my "to do" list.  Laundry calls (or I could just go buy new underwear), floors need to be mopped (then again, there are throw rugs), calls beckon to be returned (if they really want to speak with me, they will call back, right?), and I have the glaring word count to be met each day.  Oh, and I think I need to eat a meal or two (worry not - if you have seen me, you know I can find my way to food).

I know the adage that if you want something done, give it to a busy person.  Well, I am the busy person.  Please, don't give me anymore.  My plate is full.  Seriously.  It looks like I hit a workload buffet. I am good.  I don't need another serving.  Really.  

So, as the clock ticks closer to midnight, I contemplate the need to write while working.  I love to write.  It is fun. The escape is  far more enjoyable, for me, than going out to a movie where I am limited to someone else's imagination. But work keeps the lights on and food on the table. Why do I write?  Is it because of the trials and tribulations at work, or despite of them?  You tell me.

So It Shall Be Written, So It Shall Be Done

I love making lists. When I sit down, pen in hand (because a list can only be properly made with a pen in one hand and notepad in the other), the rush and excitement of the list take me away. Actually following the lists is a horse of a different color. Once the list is made, it loses its luster. Rather than being the certification of my ambition and responsibility, it taunts me and acts as an albatross hanging on my refrigerator.

For this reason, I have vowed that any lists from this point will consist of short term, attainable goals. The biggies won't make it into writing, at least not yet. I need the rush that comes with marking things off the list. Am I settling for mediocrity to have the highest goals on my list be "write 100 words each day" and "do two loads of laundry a week?" If so, at least the list won't wind up in a crumpled ball sometime around March.

So, in the spirit of setting attainable goals, this is my "to do" list for 2010:

1. Write 100 words a day for 100 days

2. Do 2 loads of laundry a week

3. Keep a list of everything I eat

4. Read at least one book a month

5. Post on this blog at least once a month.

It is now written. Will it be done?